Oct. 13th, 2004

girl says;

Oct. 13th, 2004 02:33 am
spokenjade: (spinning bleach; ushitora_icons)

I got the best review on The Jungle Gym Affair. It was basically (what appears to be) a couple of girls taking personal offense at my mention of Maiden of the Moon in my final chapter, and er...they yelled at me. *laughs* I love how they signed it "until next time". Sheesh, even when I told Maiden of the Moon that I couldn't stand her (and I did tell her) I vowed never to read another one of her stories.

That's actually kind of sad...I feel bad for these girls...

But yay for me! I'm getting all nervy as Fright Fest Saturday approaches. *siiiigh* I still haven't found my fishnets, which is bothering me, but I can't wait to get out of this house! And get my kissing lessons. XD Imagine...me, dressed as an Elegant Gothic Lolita and Rissa dressed as a french maid, surrounded by clowns (eep!) as we have great lesbian kisses...

Damnit, if only life was a porno...

Mom has approved my decision to be an IBCLC today. She's just happy I'm going to have to become an RN to do so, and telling people I'm a nurse sounds like fun to her. Though, she's still suggesting other careers ("You could be a nutritionist!") she's also looking up information for me, so we're doing well on that level. She's also so happy I'm goign to college, she's not quite sure what to do with herself.

For my part, I'm doing everything but studying for material that will be on my GED. Including, but not limited to: reading my Latin book, reading The Breastfeeding Book, learning new recipes, rearranging my altar, cleaning my room, and whoring myself to Amazon.com....

I have no clue what I need to be studying though, and my mother is no help at all. I feel lost without an idea of what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing, so I don't do it. It's less stressful that way.

I'm not sure what the fuck is going on as for our living arrangements. My mother was seriously considering moving in with my grandmother for two months, but for some reason, she seems to have changed her mind about that. Which means my dreams two months of 100% disposable income = non existant.

I'm wondering if I should just move in with my grandmother on my own. It would be me, my aunt, and my grandmother...and it would be Hell...as far as living with morons and such goes, it would be twice as bad there, but I can hold my own with them. I could get hte faster DSL while I'm there, and have cable tv again. I'd be able to go for walks, like I used to, and we'd always have food.

I just don't know how I'm going to do it. My mother knows that I want to, and she isn't helping much, of course, but...I really don't want to stay here. My mother can get a one bedroom apartment if I'm not living with her, and dramatically reduce the rent for herself. Not having to buy food for three people would also save her money, and that would leave her with the ability to actually give me some of it...

My Aunt Kim, while a racist evil bitch, is very useful when it comes to getting things. She knows where to find anything, including jobs. She has a lot of friends who run their own businesses, and she could probably hook me up. And I'd be back in the house I've spent most of my childhood in...

It's just a matter of getting there.

I signed up for NaNoWriMo awhile ago, but I don't know if I want to participate...and if I do, the story I had in mind, while nothing it's nothing I'd ever publish, it would require a lot more work than I'd previously thought. And lately, it seems like a better idea as each day goes by to just leave the internet as myself, and come back as someone totally new.

Being 100% honest online has its benefits - people trust me, and I don't feel detatched from the people I meet. I don't have to keep track of lies, and there's no embarassing and awkward admissions once I decide to let someone know the truth. I spent about a year being someone I wasn't, and, well...it wasn't that bad.

But being who I really am online has its downsides as well. It's hard for me to draw the line between online life, and real life, and I think I may need to. I have to trust everyone, because right away, they see who I really am. If I find out someone isn't trustworthy, what can I do? I have nothing to hide behind, and frankly, that scares me.

I think about just "starting over" all of the time, or leading a double life or something. I don't though, and because of that, I actually feel trapped in my own personality...how weird is that...

I feel obligated to be myself more because of communities I've run, and friends I've made, rather than actually wanting to be myself...not that I'd abandon everyone if I did change my name and get a new account, but you know...

And...I want to join message boards again. I want to run a website, and I want to just...start over...

Of course, I can't leave [livejournal.com profile] spokenjade until February, because the paid account time, which...well, livejournal with a paid account is better than life without one (And no, I'm not telling you to buy me paid time if you want to keep me here, because I know some snarky bitch is going to suggest that) and...wait...

I was trying to keep this post upbeat....


(PS: Anyone else love how there's like, a bunch of random posts, and then one long random post bitching and then back to the randomness? That will be my "thing". >_>)


spokenjade: (Default)

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