Jan. 8th, 2004

girl says;

Jan. 8th, 2004 05:26 am
spokenjade: (iyxka; michechan)
even more than yesterday

Well. I miss all my online friends. They've all seemed to disappear. Damned school. >>

Anyhoo, I'm really hoping someone goes through with organizing a Dallas area Lolita tea party. :o And that they do so after I get my outfit. I've never been to one! ;_; But, I think it would be fun. XD

Of course, now my mother is like, "Hmph, TEA PARTIES. Whores."

>> Evil Bitc-*gets carried away*


Yeah. I'm so mad at her. It's always, "You want a petticoat? What the hell do you need a petticoat for, you wanna look fatter?" or "*eye roll* Yeah Jasmine, sure you can be a writer - then why haven't you written anything?" and of course, "Well, you never MOVE! It's no wonder you're so fat!"

God damn! I DO move - a helluva lot more than her. Sure, I can't leave the damned house but that's because she fucking freaks out everytime one of us even speaks, much less opens the door - I want NOTHING more than to be able to go outside for walks around the neighborhood (despite the name though, Grand Prairie isn't that much to look at) with my CD player on. Instead, I dance around my room until I can barely breathe, and I go up and down those damned stairs fifty times an hour. >>;

I'm perfectly aware that I'm "fat" - and I don't fucking care. :D Somehow, most likely by being so disconnected from the rest of the world, I've overcome all the damned media's stereotypes - despite reading YM every month - and I'm fine with how I look myself. I know better than to think everyone is fine, because some people are highly superficial, but to me, it doesn't matter.

If I lose weight, fine. If I gain weight, whatever. Because I realized that doesn't really change who I am.

Or maybe it's the opposite.

When I was younger, my mother was huge. And I never looked at her and thought, "She should lose weight." She was my whole damned world. She was sweet and caring, and I thought that's who she really was.

In reality, it was the fear of my father that made her so docile. When she left him, and had her gastric bypass, she got skinny - and mean. And it wasn't because she was skinny, it was because my father wasn't around to make her that 'weak' person anymore.

But I never knew the real woman behind my mother's face growing up. A lie raised me, and I loved that lie. And now, this other woman was here, and she was so mean, and suddenly, I couldn't relate to her anymore.

And, to add on to this, this all happened at once. On top of other things - such as my stay in treatment foster care, and then moving back with her - to find she'd totally changed - going into a new school where suddenly I wasn't 'the smart girl' anymore, and I had no friends, unlike the rest of my life.

And on top of all that, there was this woman, and I was in her home, and she was so horrible.

I know, that even then, I'd say, "She went from a fat angel to a skinny devil."

Even now, I'm angry at her for changing - for keeping me with my father for years - and for the way she treats me now. I go in the kitchen - and that's her blender, and that's her microwave.

So, on top of feeling like I'm intruding on her life - I don't even know who she is. I've been living with this 'new' her a lot less than the one that raised me. That's the mother I remember, and she died.

She died when I was staying with someone else's family - where I felt more at home there than I do now - and this skinny bitch that replaced her was so mean.

And I know, I know NOW, that it was being with my father that made her who he was. I know now.

But that still doesn't change how I feel now.

Ever since I moved in with The Brantleys, I have never felt truly at home anywhere - so is it really any wonder that my goal in life is to move out, find a house or apartment, and have a freaking baby?

I don't think so.

I've told her most of this - the parts I didn't just realize as I typed this - but she still doesn't get it.

I really don't think she wants to.

girl says;

Jan. 8th, 2004 06:49 am
spokenjade: (omgwtf!! woof~; michechan)

So...can I relate?. Yes.

I love [livejournal.com profile] capricornarama. Funny how it never occurred to me to find other Capricorns and see if they go through what I do. Hmm.


spokenjade: (Default)

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