Oct. 18th, 2004

girl says;

Oct. 18th, 2004 05:57 am
spokenjade: (the dreamer; ushitora_icons)
things i think before going to sleep

Didn't I used to be the girl who cried over the idea of being late to school?
Didn't I used to be the girl who wrote poetry that everyone found brilliant?
Didn't I used to have AIM profiles that would get stolen by others, because they were so cool?
Didn't I used to go outside all of the time, riding my bike/walking/roller blading and singing?
Didn't I used to not be able to go anywhere without people knowing who I was? ("Hi Jasmine!" "Who are you? o_O")
Didn't I used to sing at the top of my lungs in shopping malls at Christmas, even though I knew I sung off-key?
Didn't I used to climb trees and save cats?
Didn't I used to call my grandmother every day?
Didn't I used to get called pretty every single day?
Didn't I used to get more sleep?
Didn't I used to update my livejournal at least once a day?
Didn't I used to have my LJ compared to a novel?
Didn't I used to feel comfortable saying anything I wanted to here?
Didn't I used to have a journal to make up for that, when I felt uncomfortable here?
Didn't I used to cry more?
Didn't I used to cry less?
Didn't I used to make plans for how I could have $10,000 by time I turned 18?
Didn't I used to think I could do it?
Didn't I used to talk on the phone a lot more?
Didn't I used to want a penpal so badly?
Didn't I used to give everyone the benefit of the doubt?
Didn't I used to be much more imaginative than I am now?

I think it's funny though, because I get told to act my age a lot. Either because they think that I'm too mature, or too immature. But it's fitting, because all I want to do, all of the time, is try and get back what I've lost and hold onto what I've yet to receive. I can almost relate to other people my age that way, but in the end we always seem to be in two different places...

But there's a pattern to my days...one I've just now noticed.

I go to sleep when everyone else is waking up, thinking about the things I didn't do, the things I used to do, and the things I should have done. And when I wake up, while everyone is at the height of their productivity outside, I think about all of the things that I will do. Things that I want to do. And during the day and night, as I'm going against everyone else's schedule, I'm setting myself up for going to sleep.

I really do feel trapped.

but yay for handwriting analysis tests! )

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spokenjade

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