Jun. 27th, 2004

girl says;

Jun. 27th, 2004 12:56 am
spokenjade: (kagome [birthday gift];foreordained)
love

I say sometimes that I feel completely alone, and that's true. I do. But I know I am loved.

And that's what helps me get through it. People have asked me that. How I manage to still believe after everything that I've been through. And that's the answer. Because I know I have been loved, and that I am loved now. Sometimes it's hard to believe that, of course...and I do tend to lose my faith in humanity as a whole, but that just makes it better.

Because there can only be so many decent people in the world, and sometimes I feel like I know them all. And these people, people that I respect, people that I admire, and people that I care about, think that I'm worth of their time, and that makes me feel like I'm one of those decent people too.

I'm not saying it isn't hard...it's so hard. But I never feel completely alone. Because even if I'm not with them, I know that they're thinking of me.

And sometimes I've lost that faith. When I was eleven, locked in my clsoet popping pills, I felt so damned alone. I wondered who would miss me, and the answer was no one. And I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for my brother, on the other side of the door, begging me to stop. Telling me how sad he would be if I was gone.

I would be dead if I didn't know that someone loved me.

And after that, when I'd start getting near that edge, I'd think things like "But, if I kill myself, who is going to tell ___?" and "If I kill myself ____ will probably commit suicide too."

That's what keeps me sane. When I was 14, and I would skip school, and spend the day at home, being oh so close to running to the pool with my backpack and a bunch of bricks...

And that's probably why my friends mean SO much to me. Because, if I lost them, I really would lose myself...

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