Mar. 3rd, 2004

girl says;

Mar. 3rd, 2004 05:21 am
spokenjade: (inu x kag - not fanart!; wrongly_amused)
just so you know

I hate Sesshomaru/Kagura.

I hate it.

SO MUCH.

-______-

girl says;

Mar. 3rd, 2004 06:40 am
spokenjade: (mine/egl)
take a life and hold it underwater

I've been hiding my emotions.

I feel guilty if I'm having a good day and my friends are upset, and when I'm sad I feel like everyone's going to roll their eyes and go "Oh, look, Jasmine is upset again."

I find myself consciously pretending to be happy to people because I don't know what they'll say if I mention that I'm miserable. It's bad enough that my emotions are constantly being unvalidated just because I'm a teenager, but now I have to constantly worry about whether or not so-and-so will talk to me because I've been having a bad day...

It's bad enough that I even care...it's funny that I find myself lying about how I feel because I tell the truth about who I am.

Would people take me seriously if I was older? If they couldn't just write it off as to me being a teenager?

And then, back to the lying thing...

I'm lying on my own damned journal, because I don't know who is going to come by and go "Oh look, she's sad AGAIN" or "Good thing I didn't talk to her today, she's being a whiny bitch."

I have been blocking my emotions and because of that, I've been blocking everyone else's emotions as well.

I feel so damned lost right now. I'm doubting everything because I've suddenly lost touch with myself.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

I take things online so seriously...I know that you are all real people. It doesn't matter if you're lying about who you are, or even if you're like me and lying about what you feel...there's still a person behind each and every computer screen you know?

And I feel like the only person that does that. I consider my online friends to be REAL friends. Things that happen online are REAL things to me, because you guys are REAL people...

I know that...and I know that there are some people who come on here, and just screw with people's heads, because they don't think of this as real. You can turn it off. It's not real.

But I'm not like that. I do turn off my computer, but only because sometimes there's just SO MUCH coming from it that I have to get away. I can't handle it sometimes.

So, now I'm afraid to put my emotions out there anymore. *laughs* Every day I find another new way that bastard has screwed me over.

It used to be so easy to tell people that I'm miserable..

And you know...when I do tell someone...when I tell them "Oh God, I just want to DIE!" I'm not expecting them to fix things. But goodness, could you people just listen to me every now and then?

I listen to everyone's problems. And I do it gladly. I can't help...people don't take my advice. *laughs* Lacie is proof enough of that....I think I might have been good at comforting people, but I don't know now. No one took my advice, I don't know if it ever worked. People would seem to be happier after I comforted them, but then suddenly nothing was ever enough, ever. I put everything I can into making someone feel better, and they just ignore it all with a ">>" or something.

I don't even try now. I feel helpless...useless...I hate that feeling.

And, I dunno...I just thought it would be nice if people could ask what's wrong with ME once in awhile. I tell someone what's wrong with me, and they don't even bother to comment on it! They just go on talking about their own problems or some incredibly stupid thing that happened to them.

And it's like...should I feel guilty about wanting to be selfish? Should I feel guilty that I want to have someone listen to me and comfort me and support me?

I think that's why I want a boyfriend. I dunno, it seems like they'd be the type to do that, but I'll never know because now I just have this vision of every guy in the world deciding not to talk to me because I'm so sad...probably because they are. *laughs* Along with most of the population, right?

I always thought I was there for my friends when they needed me, but now I guess I'm not...

*sighs* I used to never agree that I was bad at opening up to people. I mean, who out there doesn't know every detail of my life? But then I realized, that THIS is it. I can't tell people the things that happen to me that I want to talk about, because I don't trust anyone to not let me down when I do that.

I WANT to tell people that I never feel like I have enough support, and that I don't feel like people pay enough attention to me...that people don't care enough about me...but I don't. Because, no one wants to hear it.

I already know every one of the people that are going to reply to this post are going to be people saying "Oh, Jasmine, I care!"...people that I don't even know or talk to...people I'm not really friends with..(this is, of course, assuming I get comments in the first place)

And I know that because, as I'm typing this, I realize, I don't really have any mutual friendships..

The only two people I can say that I honestly don't really hide my emotions with are Gina and Amai. In a perfect world, I could marry the both of them, we could move away...far away...some abandoned island maybe...and just reproduce amongst ourselves. <333

And another reason I don't want to tell people this, is because I don't want anyone to feel bad. I know I feel like fucking shit when I see my friends saying that everyone sucks, or listing the friends that they love and not putting me...calling me the person that annoys them the most...'to be brutally honest'...

And I won't lie...it's not ALL of the time that I'm let down....and there are a substantial amount of people that I'm leaving out in this because I don't know them that well..

But I realized, that if I don't tell you guys, you're not going to know, and damnit, I don't care if you all leave me, or hate me, or typecast me into some stereotypical teenager role..

I can't keep going on like this

girl says;

Mar. 3rd, 2004 11:12 pm
spokenjade: (Take THAT Richard Gere!;nesslyquik)
that's my beef!

Okay. Picture this.

You walk in a room filled with people.

Another person walks in, and hands a girl a huge plate of roasts, chicken, ribs, et cetera.

She begins to eat it all, and doesn't even ask if anyone else wants some, and everyone glares at her hatefully.


Natural conclusion? She's selfish, right?

Now, what you don't know, that she knows, is that everyone but that girl is a harcore vegan that just had a huge meal a few minutes before.


And that's pretty much what's been going on, and why I'm so afraid to tell people anything. Like the conversation I had with Chileh earlier, there are people that try to come to negative conclusions without knowing the whole picture.

Which, talking to her earlier made me so angry. She likes to (rather smugly mind you) make a conclusion about someone, and then it's almost like she tries to enforce what she believes about a person onto that person.

Talking with her is unproductive and frustrating.

I used to be a lot like her...and I'm glad I'm not anymore.

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